hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
