my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
