On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
