Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
