dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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