So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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