I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
