remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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