I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
