remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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