I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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