So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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