Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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