someone threw a dead crab at me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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