I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
