are you still at the devil's house?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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