It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
