Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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