She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
