his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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