thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
