My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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