You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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