you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
