i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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