so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
