I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
