I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
