We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
honey bunches of taint.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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