Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
