Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize