Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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