I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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