I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
