I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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