i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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