how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
