A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
