I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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