Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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