why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
