I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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