I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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