what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize