Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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