i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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