We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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