No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
