Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
