Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
