We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
