I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
