I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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