Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
