I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize