Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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