worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize