I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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