i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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