Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
